50 Cultured Lines
by Impractical Joker
Summary: 50 one-sentence (give or take two) drabbles to the names of spaceships in The Culture series (yes, really). Special, Oldrival, Mangaquest and Frantic shipping.


**A/N:** I ran out of ideas to write "proper" stories so I tried to do one-sentence (give or take two) drabbles to stimulate myself. I am not part of livejournal or any similar communities so I don't know where to find prompts. Therefore I looked to my favourite science fiction series _The Culture_ for inspiration. More specifically I looked to the names of the spaceships in the series. The result is this weird little piece.

Pairings include Red/Yellow, Green/Blue, Gold/Crystal and Ruby/Sapphire.

Please feel free to skip the following Q&A section if you don't feel like reading someone's rambling.

Q. What is _The Culture_ series?

A. It is a series of space opera novels by the Scottish author Iain M Banks (which is the cunning alias of the "general" fiction author Iain Banks) with the eponymous post-scarcity anachro-socialist utopian society as the backdrop (it's ok, I don't know half the words either). The novels are basically standalone, so they can be read by themselves. A commonly recommended starting point is _The Player Of Games_. I highly recommend this series to anyone who wants to read imaginative, intelligent and very, very well written space opera that challenges you to think. Contains a lot of (sometimes gratuitous) sex, gore and violence, so read it only if you are a mature adult like yours truly (rest assured: said standard is someone who writes stories about why some teenage characters in a kid series should totally do each other, so the bar for maturity and adulthood isn't horribly high here.)

Q. What's so special about the ships' names?

A. Spaceships in the Culture, like everything there, are run by god-like (and on the other side) AIs called Minds. These ships are ridiculously powerful. A ship's Mind chooses its own name, and they are often on the humourous/whimsical side. The mismatch in power and seriousness of name is very enjoyable. My personal favourite is the Gangster class Very Fast Picket _Resistance Is Character-Forming_. Wikipedia has a full list (copy and paste, remove space):

en. wikipedia wiki/ List_of_spacecraft_in_the_Culture_series

Q. Why…just why?

A. Long answer: To answer this question satisfactorily would require giving a comprehensive solution to the great mystery that is how the human brain works. If I knew so much I should be winning Nobel Prizes. All of them.

Short answer: Just because.

Q. Are you high?

A. Only on loud music and the endorphin from jogging.

So here we go! I look forward to your reviews even if you just want to tell me I'm bat sh*t insane.

* * *

_No More Mr Nice Guy_

Yellow was pleasantly surprised at how firm Red's grip was as he pushed her against the wall for a deep, scorching kiss.

_Profit Margin_

Although Crystal refused to see him for two weeks, Gold decided that kissing her in front of their mothers was more than worth it.

_Flexible Demeanor_

It amazed Green immensely that Blue could change from "crafty little devil" to "filial loving daughter" at the drop of a hat.

_Just Read The Instructions_

It never crossed Ruby's mind that Sapphire was not _that_ illiterate, and only kept asking him stupid questions about her Pokegear just to have an excuse to see him.

_Little Rascal_

Crystal prayed to whichever deity who bothered to listen that no one, especially Gold, would ever find out her secret personal nickname for him.

_So Much For Subtlety_

After years of dropping hints to no avail, Blue finally asked Red point blank, "Hey, what do you think of Yellow?"

_Unfortunate Conflict Of Evidence_

"Listen to me Crys!" Gold chased after Crystal desperately, "If I knew she put the handkerchief there, I wouldn't have kept it!"

_Youthful Indiscretion_

Ruby had no idea that, years later, his _fabulous_ confession to Sapphire in a crowded contest hall would come back to haunt him.

_Just Testing_

Blue surmised that, when Green goes nuts about it, she could always blame her unfamiliarity with her new Pokegear for sending him "Do you miss me, my Grumpy Teddy?"

_Congenital Optimist_

"Getting lost isn't so bad," Red tried to reassure Yellow, "It means we can explore new places!"

_Size Isn't Everything_

Every time they were in the dressing room together, Yellow would look at their two visages in the mirror wistfully, prompting Blue to say some reassuring words, which Yellow always found well-meaning but had a hollow ring to them.

_I Thought He Was With You_

"How am I supposed to know where Gold was last night?" Crystal could not bear to face Silver's interrogatory gaze, fearful that he could tell she was lying.

_A Series Of Unlikely Explanations_

"You see, Crystal," Gold tried to explain, "there was this Beedrill rampage, so I dived into the pond, then there was this angry Gyarados that chased me out of the water, and then a Slugma set my clothes on fire, and that was why I ended up half-naked in your backyard."

_Funny, It Worked Last Time…_

Crystal did not have the heart to laugh at Gold when his Pidgey escaped his cloak before he could tap his wand on his top hat, seeing that he did all these for her birthday.

_Helpless In The Face Of Your Beauty_

"Don't think you are the master of flattering girls just because you watched some stupid romantic movie," Crystal said as she tried her hardest not to smile at Gold's jesting attempt at playing the love-struck Casanova.

_Credibility Problem_

"Oh, I can't believe you _remember_ it's your parents' anniversary," Sapphire put as much sarcasm in her words as she could manage, "seeing how prone you are to _forget _things."

_Well I Was In The Neighbourhood_

"Why, it's you, Red-san," Yellow answered the doorbell, acutely aware that she was still in her pyjamas.

_You Would If You Really Loved Me_

"No! I'm _not_ wearing an 'I Blue' shirt to my Gym!"

_Tactical Grace_

Yellow thought Red was at his most beautiful (for beautiful is the only word for it) when he was so immersed in the joy of battle that he forgot, for a moment, where or who he was.

_Unacceptable Behavior_

Crystal let her tears fall as when she saw Gold flirting with girls he barely knew once too many.

_Attitude Adjuster_

Through experience, Sapphire knew that the most effective way to wipe Ruby's smug expression off his face was a nice bite to the neck.

_Frank Exchange Of Views_

"I don't know why I put up with you for so long, Pesky Woman."

"I love you too, Green."

_Honest Mistake_

"When will you stop teasing me for hitting on Bugsy, Crys?"

_Sleeper Service_

Red returned from grocery shopping to find that Yellow had fallen asleep on his sofa again; then he decided that he did not really mind it that much as he pulled a blanket over her and planted a quick kiss on her cheek.

_Uninvited Guest_

One evening, Green returned home from exhausting Gym leader duty to find Blue cooking dinner for him in his kitchen, wearing his apron and not much else.

_Use Psychology_

Blue grinned in silent desperation, both for herself and her friend, when a confused Red asked her why both Yellow and Misty had a complicated expression on their face when he took them both to Cerulean Cape to watch the sun rise.

_Yawning Angel_

Red stared and wondered how Yellow could make an act as unflattering as yawning look so adorable.

_I Blame My Mother_

Crystal knew she really did not have the right to complain, but sometimes she just wished her mother was not so keen on sharing her taste in fashion with her, like right now when she was dreading the mortification of being seen by Gold in yet another new outfit.

_I Blame Your Mother_

For the weeks that followed, Gold had Crystal's mum's idiosyncrasies to thank for the added fuel during his shower-time fantasies.

_Someone Else's Problem_

"Of course the word 'responsibility' means a lot to me," Blue said to Green, "It is something that happens to other people."

_But Who's Counting?_

Emerald had long since given up on counting how many times he had to kick Ruby and Sapphire out because of their little double act which, truth be told, was interesting maybe only to Blue.

_Ravished By The Sheer Implausibility Of That Last Statement_

"What do you mean, you thought Valentine's Day was in June?" Crystal exploded at the still flippant Gold.

_I Blame The Parents_

Green had never dreamed of putting "kind and considerate" and "Blue" in a positive sentence, but he chalked it up to the understandable nervousness at dining with her family.

_Inappropriate Response_

"It looks really comfortable," Red said on seeing the expectant Yellow in her new sleeveless dress Blue bought.

_A Momentary Lapse Of Sanity_

Green looked in utter horror at the full set of lingerie, garter belt and all, he just bought at the department store, and wondered how his shopping trip for Blue's birthday ended up like this.

_Lapsed Pacifist_

Although Crystal usually preferred using talk and diplomacy to solve problems, she found that she often had to resort to more aggressive tactics when dealing with Gold.

_Don't Try This At Home_

Looking at Sapphire's petite form tracing a perfect arc through the air from a vine, Ruby grudgingly admitted to himself that, for that fraction of a second, she looked almost graceful.

_Experiencing A Significant Gravitas Shortfall_

Everything was swell with Yellow and Red's wedding until Gold got a bunch of his juniors to chant "Smooching time. Smooching time…" with him.

_Seed Drill_

Crystal had braced herself when she had to ask Gold to accompany her on a farm trip with the children - the academy was so short-staffed - but she had never imagined he could make a dirty joke out of introducing a _farm implement_.

_Subtle Shift Of Emphasis_

"It's not just 'another stupid plan to get Red and Yellow together', Green," Blue protested, "It involves getting Gold and Crystal together, too!"

_You Naughty Monsters_

Yellow did not use her power to read their thoughts, but she and Red could understand well enough from their looks that Pika and Chuchu were _daring_ them to follow their lead.

_Sense Amid Madness, Wit Amidst Folly_

In the crowded room, with the air filled with the noise of the two pairs arguing, Silver and Emerald shot a glance of silent camaraderie at each other, linked by their shared fate as a sensible person caught between a couple whose only way of expressing their affection was bickering.

_Me, I'm Counting_

For the rest of his life, 3rd April would always be remembered by Green as the day Red made Yellow blush with an innocent comment for the one thousandth time.

_Learned Response_

The realization that his automatically spewing "Pesky Woman" every time Blue did or said something annoying was very akin to the conditioned reflex of trained animals was very troubling to Green, to say the least.

_Refreshingly Unconcerned With The Vulgar Exigencies Of Veracity_

"Oh yeah, I lied about my house having a black out to get you here," Blue pushed the scowling Green onto the sofa, a wry grin on her face, "Don't worry about waking my parents. I lied about them being at home, too."

_Anything Legal Considered_

"It's not breaking in if I told your mother I would come to your place sometime, Super-Serious Gal."

_Zoologist_

Emerald considered himself fully qualified to help Crystal with research because of all the time he had been observing Ruby and Sapphire fighting like animals.

_A Fine Disregard For Awkward Facts_

"It's alright even though all of them suddenly can't make it, Yellow," Red beamed brightly, "A table for two is way easier to get than a table for ten"

_Smile Tolerantly_

Wally really appreciated their concern, and so he did not say anything whenever Ruby and Sapphire were arguing over some minor points in _his_ ward again.

_Mistake Not My Current State Of Joshing Gentle Peevishness For The Awesome And Terrible Majesty Of The Towering Seas Of Ire That Are Themselves The Milquetoast Shallows Fringing My Vast Oceans Of Wrath_ *

"Who was that _pretty_ girl you were talking to?" Crystal asked from behind Gold, her smile sweet as poison.

* * *

* Yes, I wrote the whole thing just so that I can do this one.

* * *

…**And you may say to yourself, my god, what have I done?**


End file.
